Forgive me web friends, for I have sinned

Today I did something that I vowed I would never do. I did something that for once may actually cause me to lose all family, friends, and even acquaintances. Something so horrid and shameful that I must admit it in writing in order to cleanse myself of all sinful feeling… sorta like when Catholics go to confession except I’m not Catholic but instead a member of the technology generation and it’s to the interwebs I pray.


Moving along… It’s been nearly eight hours since I did this dirty deed and I still feel uneasy about the whole thing. To be honest, I’m confused as to what really happened. What caused this tragic turn of events? Was I brainwashed? Mind spasm? Quarter-life crisis? I want to know how I got here and what direction I should go next.

Tonight as I sit here in my living, with the lights down low and candles lit, I hopelessly scream out, “Why, oh WHY, did I do this? Someone please tell me…. Why on earth did I…. buy… CLOGS?!”


YES. It’s true, my friends. I, Clarissa [Last name revoked due to privacy/weirdo issues], purchased a pair of wooden clogs.




Mine are a tad less traditional than this


It all happened so fast. One minute I was walking into the store and the next minute I was walking out with a pair of stocky wooden slip-on heels. I’m shocked, I’m appalled, I’m embarrassed, and I’m… torn. Yes, TORN. I have suddenly succumbed to the current most hated trend in fashion and am not sure whether or not I’m ok with this.

I blame it on Jeffrey Campbell and his extraordinary talent at shoe design. Nearly every shoe that that man turns out tugs at my heart strings. I’ve always been a fan of chunkier shoes, which Jeffrey Campbell excels at. I also adore his funky mod designs that drastically separate his shoes from all other generic shoe designers. If there is anyone to turn me on to the whole clog thing it would certainly be him. And he did... I think.



A sample of his manipulative work


I’m still in a bit of shock though, and also denial. I almost refuse to allow myself to go along with this. As I type this I contemplate returning them back to the store first thing tomorrow morning. Not only will I have more cash in my wallet but I will also have my dignity back intact.

Then, while piecing this post together, I came across this collection of images:

MILEY CYRUS WEARS JEFFREY CAMPBELL CLOGS, TOO! Suddenly everything feels so much better. I mean if a mega celebrity like herself sports identical shoes than I’m fine! Actually, I’m better than fine- I’m extra hip and totally on top of what’s hot in Hollywood!

Yeah, not. Discovering that picture did nothing but make me feel even more mortified. Today I not only bought a stupid pair of Dutch inspired shoes, but I also likened myself to Miley Cyrus.


ULTIMATE FAIL.

Aliens are real and I'll prove it

The woman in the above picture is some model, hence the tall slender figure and long brightly lit runway. I'm not really sure of her name though because I don't follow up on supermodels much since I don't want to do any further damage to my self-confidence. I do think she's a Victoria's Secret model, and I'm only saying that because I receive their catalogues every month- despite the fact that I have never ordered one thing from it. Personally, I can't bring myself to buy something without trying it on/seeing it in person/touching the fabric. The chances of me liking something I ordered from a catalogue is low, yet the chances of me being lazy and not returning it are high. I can't risk that. When you are a young, broke college student like myself you have to be wise with your money, and ordering a hot pink lace corset with matching panties is not exactly the wisest decision.

And again, I digress.

The main focus of this post is that nameless half-naked chick above. Despite being a model, she is... an alien. Now before you roll your eyes at me and click on the tiny 'X' in the upper right hand corner of your browser window, hear me out. This woman is not of our species. She is an entirely separate life form. This is blatantly obvious to me, perhaps because I've seen Men in Black and Mars Attacks! like a bazillion times, but I understand that it may not be as obvious to the untrained eye; therefore, I have taken it upon myself to enlighten all three of my readers as to why this 'model' is actually an enemy to humanity.

Top #4 reasons I'm certain the above model chick is related to E.T.:

1.  She has no bellybutton. It's a known fact that humans have belly buttons and aliens do not. I do not see any apparent bellybutton in the above photo- neither an “innie” nor an “outie”. All that I do see is what appears to be a poorly airbrushed bellybutton on her abdomen, which was obviously a lame attempt to make her appear human.  
2. Her hair. It's totally alien style. All tall and conehead-ish. At the same point it's yet another attempt to disguise her alien citizenship, more specifically her misshapen head/bulging brains/space antenna. That hideous bouffant hairdo is not fooling anyone, and neither is that tightly fastened headband.
3. She is floating in thin air. Look at her feet. She is not walking- or as the fashion people say, 'gliding'- down the runway. In actuality she is FLOATING down the runway. What type of beings hover in mid air? Aliens.
4. She is unnaturally thin. She literally does not have an ounce of fat on her and for that I refuse to believe she is an authentic woman. Real women cannot resist the temptations of chocolate, ice cream and wine. She has clearly never had a piece of chocolate in her life. Aliens do not eat; they feed off of energy... and human souls.
5. Her eyes. She is totally giving the alien stare. You can tell that behind those eyes are lasers that have the power to burn a hole through a human body. Notice how disconnected her eyes are from reality? Yeah, it's because she is plotting the demise of mankind.

This isn't an isolated incident either. Look at these other aliens disguised as 'models':

 

Call me paranoid, call me jealous. Whatever. I'm just trying to send out a public warning. You can consciously accept this warning or ignore it, just don't come crying to me when a flock of Calvin Klein models show up to your house and abduct your children and dog.

A candid opposition to foam shoes

Today I heard that Crocs Footwear now makes high heels. Initially I refused to believe it so I conducted a basic Google search in order to determine the validity of what appeared to be a ludicrous claim…


… And then immediately threw up on my work desk when the Google search proved my worst nightmare to be true. Crocs do in fact make women’s platforms now and here is proof:

Seriously though, do people really wear these? I thought the original Crocs, which are freakin' FOAM CLOGS, were embarrassing enough. I didn’t think it was possible for people to demean themselves even further. I can ensure you that I will never be caught dead in these shoes and I hope none of my family and friends do either. If they do, I will readily kick them in the shin and then openly refuse to accompany them in public.

Consider this a warning.