A post where I sound like a girl

Lately I’ve been having a lot of ‘ladies nights’ with some of my close girlfriends. We’re talking, like, three or four gal nights a month which is surprisingly often for someone like myself.

Though I have nothing against my feminine counterparts, I prefer to spend a large majority of my time at home. I’m a creature of comfort and my notion of a good time is lounging on my couch in sweats with my man at one side, my dog at the other and a fat bowl of ice cream in my lap. Again, I love my best friend with every ounce of my heart and I adore the nights I spend with my other gal pals, but there is just something I find undeniably appealing about being a hermit. For now I will blame it on Astrology and the fact that I’m a Cancer. I don’t really know much about signs, horoscopes and all that jazz but I do remember reading something about Cancers being home bodies. So, yeah. That is my story excuse and I’m stickin’ to it.

I’ve really been enjoying these ladies nights I’ve been partaking in, especially since I’ve been having them with a group of women that are pretty similar to myself. Like me they all enjoy wine, good food and outspoken conversations. They are also fairly rowdy women, which is great since I can be quite noisy (particularly when alcohol is involved) and hate the feeling I get when I'm amid a "softer" crowd. It's sort of how a howler monkey would feel if it were trapped among a bunch of sloths. Awkward and uncomfortable.


This is a good depiction of me after a couple glasses of Merlot

I am penciled in for another get together this evening and though I am excited, I am also a tad nervous. You see, I’ve been dealing with a small issue that is a result of these events. Actually, in the feminine realm this is not a small issue at all. It is a MASSIVELY GINORMOUS issue in fact.

It is every woman’s dreaded nightmare…. weight gain.

This is the most inaccurate portrayal of female weight gain that I've ever seen

Yes, I’ve noticed my weight fluctuating lately. Nothing big, maybe a pound or two… or three or four. It’s truly nothing that I should cry about to the World Wide Web; however, it is a little alarming. Why? Because regularly I’m a notably healthy eater, so much that it sometimes annoys those around me. Thus these pounds are not exactly ‘natural weight gain’. Instead, they are the product of one *single* night of indulgence.

To put it blatantly: I eat A LOT of food during these ladies nights. So much that my body cannot keep up with all the fat and calories it’s ingesting within such a short period of time. We’re talkin’ countless chicken wings, huge bowls of rice, many bags of kettle corn, multiple pieces of cheesecake, continual bits of pie... and so on. I know some analytical brains out there may argue that this is not humanly possible but hey, guess what? IT IS. Well, either that or my scale is playing some serious mind games with me.

I don't know what she's so heartbroken about either

Luckily I think that I’ve discovered the perpetrator and I’m sad to say it’s actually one of my dear friends… Vino. Yes, I blame my gluttonous eating on the numerous glasses of wine I consume during these events. There is something about wine that makes me lose all inhibitions, especially with food. After the first glass of wine I find myself having vivid fantasies about seven-layer chocolate cake topped with a dozen scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and covered with an entire jar of hot fudge. By the third glass I am actually eating all of that.

With all that said, I’ve come to realize that I may need to scale back on the wine consumption at these events if I wish to continue fitting in my skinny jeans. I feel so vain saying this but I’m being honest. I mean, what girl doesn’t want to look good? I know I do. If not for my own sanity than at least for B’s, since any substantial weight gain on my part will cause him to have to suffer bouts of me crying in the closest, clenching my skinny jeans tightly in my hands, and screaming out loud, “WHYYY?! WHY DID GOD HAVE TO MAKE ME SO FAT?!!”

THIS is frighteningly accurate portrayal of the above scenario

Yes, I have issues.

I’m going to scale back on the wine tonight to see how it goes. If it fails to help then I may have to resort to stapling my mouth shut after glass numero uno. That seems like a creepy alternative though so I am going to try and avoid it at all costs.

Wish me luck.


Don't read this if you are heartless

Today I posted the following emotional babble on my Facebook:

“Having a boyfriend & a best friend all wrapped up in one single package is both convenient & comforting. It's beyond luck when they are just as (if not more) strange as yourself, too. In other words, I'm so freakin' relieved/thankful I found B.”

At first I was hesitant to post such a sappy status update. Professing such mushiness is typically out of character for a girl like myself. I’d much rather post about the awkward situation I have found myself in or about my incessant infatuation with all things pumpkin. Still, as I explained to a friend who commented on the above status update, “some things are worth risking the chance of being seen as a cornball, like having a saint for a boyfriend though I'm often far from a saint myself.”

B and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. This is to be expected considering both he and I have short fuses and can be exceedingly stubborn. We will butt heads about something as simple as whether ‘either’ is pronounced ee-ther or eye-ther. Of course there are more serious battles as well, but so far there has been nothing that cannot be slept off or hugged out. I truly don’t imagine there will be anything beyond that either. We are crazy people (literally) that are equally as crazy in love.

So what brought all this lovey-dovey stuff up? Well, B and I have had a rough past week or so. Not simply because of our own issues and annoyances with one another, but because of certain outside forces. Problems within relationships are not always ‘partner vs. partner’; sometimes certain things or people outside of your relationship will challenge the happiness of you and your other half. I personally struggle with this since I strongly believe that B and I’s relationship should remain just that- our relationship. So, when outside forces attempt to intrude or scrutinize my life and relationship with B, I become threatened, offended, and a tad fiery. I’m all like, “This is my turf, yo. Back off.” Sort of.

B, however, does not struggle with this. For the most part he always remains calm, cool and collected no matter of what is being said or done by others. As you would expect, this causes me to interrogate him with questions like, “Why doesn’t this upset you?!” or “Why aren’t you as extremely offended by this like I am?!” You would think such harassment would at least provoke a little bit of stress or anger in him but it never does. Instead I am met with a tranquil expression and a response somewhere along the lines of, “... because I love you and always will and nothing and no one will ever change that.” In other words, the thoughts, opinions, and actions of others are essentially irrelevant to him and his notion of *us*. This is obviously something that I need to learn myself.

Though his goodness is always apparent, I am intensely reminded of B’s saintliness during our tough and trying times (i.e. this past week). I have once again come to realize how incredibly lucky I am to have someone who loves and supports me to the exclusion of anything or anyone else. And I am thankful for that.

So thankful, in fact, that I want to scream it from the rooftop... or simply post it on online for all of my fellow Facebook friends to see.


Oh, and for the record, I pronounce ‘either’ the correct way: ee-ther. B, on the other hand, is still coming to grips with its proper pronunciation.

Bad day

Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I really have nothing witty or interesting to blog about. In fact, I'm in a very anti-social mood right now, and that even includes cyber relations.

I'm going to spend the rest of the evening doing one of two things:

Laying in bed, eating ice cream and being emo

OR

partaking in some serious retail therapy

Either way I will be spending my time with no one other than me, myself and I. I ensure you it's for the safety of both myself and others (read: I'm a nutcase).