A post where I sound like a girl

Lately I’ve been having a lot of ‘ladies nights’ with some of my close girlfriends. We’re talking, like, three or four gal nights a month which is surprisingly often for someone like myself.

Though I have nothing against my feminine counterparts, I prefer to spend a large majority of my time at home. I’m a creature of comfort and my notion of a good time is lounging on my couch in sweats with my man at one side, my dog at the other and a fat bowl of ice cream in my lap. Again, I love my best friend with every ounce of my heart and I adore the nights I spend with my other gal pals, but there is just something I find undeniably appealing about being a hermit. For now I will blame it on Astrology and the fact that I’m a Cancer. I don’t really know much about signs, horoscopes and all that jazz but I do remember reading something about Cancers being home bodies. So, yeah. That is my story excuse and I’m stickin’ to it.

I’ve really been enjoying these ladies nights I’ve been partaking in, especially since I’ve been having them with a group of women that are pretty similar to myself. Like me they all enjoy wine, good food and outspoken conversations. They are also fairly rowdy women, which is great since I can be quite noisy (particularly when alcohol is involved) and hate the feeling I get when I'm amid a "softer" crowd. It's sort of how a howler monkey would feel if it were trapped among a bunch of sloths. Awkward and uncomfortable.


This is a good depiction of me after a couple glasses of Merlot

I am penciled in for another get together this evening and though I am excited, I am also a tad nervous. You see, I’ve been dealing with a small issue that is a result of these events. Actually, in the feminine realm this is not a small issue at all. It is a MASSIVELY GINORMOUS issue in fact.

It is every woman’s dreaded nightmare…. weight gain.

This is the most inaccurate portrayal of female weight gain that I've ever seen

Yes, I’ve noticed my weight fluctuating lately. Nothing big, maybe a pound or two… or three or four. It’s truly nothing that I should cry about to the World Wide Web; however, it is a little alarming. Why? Because regularly I’m a notably healthy eater, so much that it sometimes annoys those around me. Thus these pounds are not exactly ‘natural weight gain’. Instead, they are the product of one *single* night of indulgence.

To put it blatantly: I eat A LOT of food during these ladies nights. So much that my body cannot keep up with all the fat and calories it’s ingesting within such a short period of time. We’re talkin’ countless chicken wings, huge bowls of rice, many bags of kettle corn, multiple pieces of cheesecake, continual bits of pie... and so on. I know some analytical brains out there may argue that this is not humanly possible but hey, guess what? IT IS. Well, either that or my scale is playing some serious mind games with me.

I don't know what she's so heartbroken about either

Luckily I think that I’ve discovered the perpetrator and I’m sad to say it’s actually one of my dear friends… Vino. Yes, I blame my gluttonous eating on the numerous glasses of wine I consume during these events. There is something about wine that makes me lose all inhibitions, especially with food. After the first glass of wine I find myself having vivid fantasies about seven-layer chocolate cake topped with a dozen scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and covered with an entire jar of hot fudge. By the third glass I am actually eating all of that.

With all that said, I’ve come to realize that I may need to scale back on the wine consumption at these events if I wish to continue fitting in my skinny jeans. I feel so vain saying this but I’m being honest. I mean, what girl doesn’t want to look good? I know I do. If not for my own sanity than at least for B’s, since any substantial weight gain on my part will cause him to have to suffer bouts of me crying in the closest, clenching my skinny jeans tightly in my hands, and screaming out loud, “WHYYY?! WHY DID GOD HAVE TO MAKE ME SO FAT?!!”

THIS is frighteningly accurate portrayal of the above scenario

Yes, I have issues.

I’m going to scale back on the wine tonight to see how it goes. If it fails to help then I may have to resort to stapling my mouth shut after glass numero uno. That seems like a creepy alternative though so I am going to try and avoid it at all costs.

Wish me luck.