Clarissa's Diet

Looking to lose a few extra pounds? Got some pesky love handles you are dying to get rid of? Maybe a few inches you want to lose from your waist so that you are looking slim and trim for holiday portraits? Well, I may possibly be of service to you.

Forget Jenny Craig, say goodbye to Weight Watchers. I have the ultimate weight loss plan to introduce to you: Clarissa's Diet. What does it consist of? Well, I can tell you what it doesn't consist of. There is no restricted diet, absolutely no exercise plan, and not a single pill or supplement. Nope. Nada.

All it requires is a one month stay at mi casa and you will be on your way to the body of your dreams! Yes, you heard right. I guarantee that if you come and stay ONE MONTH at my apartment, you will shed at least twenty pounds of unwanted fat and bulge.





You may be wondering: how in the world is this possible?





Well let me fill you in on a little secret....





For the past three weeks now our fridge has looked like this:

'Tis true. Our fridge has been almost entirely empty for nearly a month now. In other words, I've been living off of water and air... and I've never looked better!

Ok, not really. I've eaten food. I mean, hello?! I, of all people, cannot last even a day without a single carb. Nonetheless, our fridge has really been that strikingly bare for quite awhile now. Not only is it depressing but it's also troublesome.

What do you suppose I do at ten o'clock at night when I'm hit with an intense case of the munchies? I can assure you I don't reach for that tub of butter or that jar of Sriracha hot chili sauce. Neither are capable of satisfying that late night hunger craving... or any craving for that matter. And the eggs you ask? Well, the eggs could be a feasible option but that particular carton was one of the brands recently recalled for possible Salmonella so we've been understandably hesitant to consume them... and apparently hesitant to throw them away as well.

But before you start showing up at our front door with canned goods or send us directions to the nearest food bank though, please know that we are not that broke. We've just been too busy to go shopping/are weird eaters/love having an excuse to eat out.

I will, on the other hand, accept any and all donations in the form of cash, check, or pumpkin pie... oh, and Nordstrom gift certificates. Those will work, too.

Lazy Sunday

B is out of the house today. He's in Seattle taking care of some final business before Basic Radio's record label showcase this upcoming Thursday. In other words, he's doing 'future rock star things'.

So while he is off being a Very Important Person, I'm at home... alone... and bored.

That's pretty much the face I've been making since I woke up at 7 o'clock this morning. I'm bored out of my mind, folks. I've already taken a shower, eaten breakfast, and surfed the internet for what seemed like an eternity, so I'm running out of things to do. I don't know a thing about football so I can't even entertain myself with the Seahawks game airing today. I can't even play with my dog because, well, she's doing this...

Luckily I only have a hour or two to kill and then I will be meeting up with my best friend and her son. We're going to head up North and partake in some shopping, which is funny considering I'm broker than broke. I'm not really sure how it's all going to pan out since, a.) I don't want to overdraw my account, b.) I don't want to use a credit card, and c.) I don't steal things. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, enjoy these self-portraits I took.

See- I wasn't kidding about the whole being bored thing.

(And I wasn't kidding about the broke thing either. Any and all donations are gladly accepted.)

TGIF... man

Today is the day that I have been waiting all week for: Friday. In all honesty I've been whining and moaning about this week since I first stepped foot in my job early Monday morning. For some reason this has been an exceedingly tough week, though I really don't know why specifically. Work hasn't been abnormally laborious or anything, and neither has life. Truthfully, I've been hitting the sack before 10 o'clock almost every night this week, something that is unusual for a night owl like myself.

In a nut shell, this week has been a routine schedule of: waking up, going to work, coming home from work, eating some food, taking my dog out to go pee, watching sleezy tv shows, and then going to bed. Nothing too exciting and/or exhausting. In fact, most of the geriatric patients at my work facility have more exhilarating schedules than I've had this past week.



They are laughing at how lame my life has been lately.


Nonetheless, I'm very relieved that today is Friday and that I will have the next two days to recharge myself. To kick things off with a "bang" I'm attending another one of those 'ladies nights' I spoke about in a previous post. As usual there will be a lot of carbs, wine, and feminine banter. A number of the women are bringing their children and, since I didn't want to be left out, I announced that I would be bringing my dog. Like all mothers, I just hope my child doesn't poop on the floor or chew a hole in the leather sofa. Knowing my child though and her love of delinquency, I'm almost certain something of the sort will occur.

(Rebekah, the hostess of this event, I apologize in advance and promise to pay for any and all damages my dog causes... well, so long as they are under $40.00.)

I will once again be cautious of my wine consumption so that I don't succumb to another alcohol induced pig out (as also explained in my previous post). All it takes is more than two glasses of vino and then I start having romantic fantasies in which I am slopping saliva with this big guy:

This pizzaburger would B's final meal if he were ever on death row


Plus it's never good to get sloppy drunk in front of your child(ren). I don't want my seven month old rottweiler to grow up and be a drunk floozy on the streets. I have bigger dreams for her than that.

Sometimes I'm really, really stupid

Once upon a time I actually conned myself into thinking that I did not like breakfast. I was truly convinced that there were no appealing breakfast foods, just Eggo waffles and plain ol’ greasy bacon & eggs. It ultimately became a meal I often skipped due to utter disinterest and discontent.

God was I stupid.

World peace in the form of kitchen items

I saw this set of salt and pepper shakers in TJ Maxx and was literally so blown away that I immediately took a picture so that I could share them with all of you. These shakers are not your ordinary shakers. No, no. These shakers are somethin’ special. You see these shakers not only show a love and appreciation for curvy body types thus promoting self love, but they also endorse interracial dating thus promoting free love. I honestly thought they were made by Mother Theresa herself but the ‘Made in Taiwan’ sticker on the bottom confirmed otherwise.

Salt and pepper shakers at TJ Maxx, I applaud you.