Don't worry, I'm not trying to give birth to a miniature me anytime soon. I already have my hands full trying to properly train both a puppy and a boyfriend, all while working full-time and finishing up my degrees. Still, I plan on being a mother one day when I have all my ducks in a row.
Though I understand and respect the fact that some men and women choose not to have children, I can't imagine not having one. Kids are cute, entertaining, and hilarious! Yeah they have their bad days but hey, who doesn't? I have like four mental break downs a week, which each typically include a lot of kicking and screaming, so I could easily handle a two year old's temper tantrum. In fact, my child and I will probably have joint tantrums in which together we punch pillows, scream at imaginary people, hit our heads on the wall, and then calm down with milk and cookies. It would make for some great mother-child bonding.
Moreover, having a child will provide me with an excuse for doing a lot of things that I really love doing but, being a young, childless female, am often looked down upon for. For instance, I could finally wear yoga pants all day, every day and simply blame it on the fact that 'little Johnny kept me up to 4 am last night' or 'I've been so busy chasing after little Johnny that I haven't had the chance to do a load of laundry'. Other mothers will praise me for mustering up the strength to actually put on pants, much less yoga pants, and go out in public despite being terrorized by a demon child. Whether or not my child truly is a demon that prevented me from dressing in respectable attire is irrelevant. So long as there is a believable alibi, I'm in the clear. Most importantly though I'll be super duper comfy- and guilt free- in my black stretch pants.
Also, having a child means I will finally have someone in my life that doesn't judge me for my unnatural and often absurd addiction to sweets. When I am inspired to eat ice cream for breakfast one morning or suddenly feel like making Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Sandwiches (my own creation) in the panini press at 11:30 at night, my child will not shun me as being weird or gluttonous. Instead he/she will undoubtedly support me and be more than eager to join in on the fun. At last I will have a partner in crime to join me in my sugar binges! And let's be real- kids love sweets, meaning I will ultimately become the coolest mom on the block. I will stand apart from all the other flat butt, veggie forcin' mothers. I take great pride in this.
Lastly, when the house is a mess and company is on the way I will no longer stress myself to the max by attempting to do a house wide clean-up in 4.29 minutes. Instead I'll just say, "Hey there! Welcome to the house. Don't mind the mess, little Johnny was a bit of a wild one today! Ha Ha." To be honest I'll probably be contributing to the mess myself. I'll 'innocently' leave a dirty bowl on the living room table or a used towel on the bathroom floor, all while knowing in the back of my head that I can later blame it on my first born. Like I said, so long as there is a believable alibi, I'm in the clear.
So, yeah. One day I want a want a child (maybe two if the first one doesn't traumatize me too much) and I'm fairly excited at the thought of it.
Actually, correction: I was excited at the thought of it.
That is, until I saw this:
... and got totally creeped out. That young girl literally looks devilish. At first I was fully joking when I referred to my future child as a 'demon', but now I am fearful that one day that may be the actual case. From the eerie look in her eyes to the chilling smirk on her face, this child is a certified screwball. Oh! And don't forget to check out those slyly folded hands (which are probably concealing a knife) and the POINTED TOES. My God, the pointed-freakin-toes. Seriously. They give me goosebumps, people.
Now I'm afraid that I will have a child and this will happen:
Or maybe even this:
At this point any commentary from bona fide parents would be greatly appreciated. If I don't receive any positive reassurance sometime soon then I may schedule an appointment to have my tubes tied in the very near future.
If I run across another horrifying news story it may end up being a full blown hysterectomy.
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